Thursday, December 24, 2009
In.Constant.DilemmaVery often I hated myself whenever I know that I dont know what I want in life. Other then wanting to slack and nua (as and when I like) and to only do the things I like (like cooking, baking, shopping, FB-ing etc). So when I do not have a job i freaked out, I panic, I seep into mild depression... I realised that I want a job, to give me a security of knowing what to look forward to for the next 1-3 years. I dont mind floating as long as I have ample money.
Anyway my point is, now that I have a temp job, likely to convert to perm unless i screw up big time, which is NOT IMPOSSIBLE, I feel so sian. I feel stupid and incompetant. But that is really cuz i have NO formal training yet, and there are like 10 abbre in just 1 sentence. How am i supposed to know?!?!?!?!?!? E.g. "In order to get the CFG done, you have to arrange for the PO and the ATD first. Look for your RD to check for the following CSE and HEA then send the PO and the ATD to Director to sign and approve." (of cuz in my example, all the abbre are made up ones). If you are a new staff, how would you know all these?!?!
Then I asked alot of qns, reconfirm alot of stuff, cuz everyone seems to be approaching one thing differently!!!! And there are alot of gaps to be filled, alot of "not confirmed yet". Its frustrating because [1] I am a fast mover at work. too many stoppage and i get ARGH!! [2] I know nuts about the inside runnings and people throw me so many things expecting me to KNOW what to do, how to do and how to answer.
I dont know how i will survive... *everything aside now, enjoy the festive seasons*
Merry Christmas everyone and hope 2010 will be a good year for us all.
When you dont feel loved (enough)… you wonder… if its worth it
♥ 
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Dedication
5 weeks running, it never fails to amazed me, the power of love and friendship. And my life motto: You learned something new everyday.
How often, I had belittled myself, and thought how insignificant I am or had been. Having changed over the years, the once over chatty and loud 'dictator' (as generously appointed by my secondary classmates) had toned down to become the silent observer along the side lane.
This 5 weeks, I sat down and had time to think, what I want from my life? why and how i had become the person I am today? My past flashes through my mind, fond memories and those I wished I could bury and hide away. I remembered my 'peak' being in Poly, where I had set 2 goals for myself and achieved.
[1] To make it to the university, and hence it means to be in the top 10 of the cohort
[2] To achieve excellent grades to prove that having a relationship at a tender age of 18 is not going to affect my academic results.
I dint know how it happen, but I really did enjoyed studying then. School holidays were dull and boring, for I loved going to campus, meeting with my dear pals of whom I have cherish till this day. Somehow, I had the confidence of a 5 yr old with no fear no consideration no worries no (huge) responsibilities. Nothing seems to fazed me then. Exams? I love the challenged of cramping every minuscule info into my brain and vomiting them out on the exam day itself. Presentations? Alrighty. no biggie. Assignments? Whee group work is fun. Meeting strangers i know online? Risky, but oh wells been there done that. Fearless and confident I would say of myself then. Its a good 3 years :) Its a treasured 3 years in my life. Best ever till date am I proud to proclaim.
But as I embark on my journey to my uni life. Things seems to turn downhill. My confidence and 'out-spokeness' had been easily over shadowed by the "potato-eating" people that exist in my Uni. A stark contrast of silence in the tutorial class in poly to the ever energetic, ever-filled with questions and answers of those in uni, had thrown me off tangent. Over time, I kept quiet and faded into the background. I often laugh and described myself as just ghost of my uni. I float in unnoticeably to class and float out back home. I hated campus. I hated having to carry out irrelevant and insignificant small talks as we transit from one building to another. But boy did I realise now that such irrelevant small talks that hinder us from grabbing a bite before rushing off to the next class had ever been so important. These were the roots of networking and of a skill that we have to learn to break into the working world and slowly inch our way up the corporate ladder (if we ever get there).
I was able to carry out such small talks easily back then. But now. I am tongue-tied. To not risk sounding stupid I just smile and nod and pray that it can carry me through. Thinking about all these, make me think deeper. How have I just lost it lidat? I should read more news for I am totally oblivious of things happening around me other then gossips and earthquakes that every idiot would have known too. Don't ask me who is our Finance minister etc. I hope my smile and nod can answer you.
I wish, I can find back that lively and confident girl I had so once been. To smile, to show people that I am capable (because I am!). To give back to those who had invested in me. Right now, I keep hearing incidents of OT-ing and "i hate mondays" complain. But I wish I could complain about these soon. Because it sucks being unemployed and looking for jobs at home from 9am - 5pm (hey!! its like a regular working hour without being paid). I know when the day for me to shine comes, I have my ultimate Supporter to back me and to allow me to find favor in the eyes of those that matters. And when I have a job, it will be one where mondays arent blue but a bright sunny yellow. And when that day comes, I wish to offer my appreciation to my dear friends who have been very generous and encouraging to me.
(Revelation 1:5-6) "as you, the priest, value it, so it shall be" = I think therefore I am.
Labels: Thoughts
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Its officially one month since i have been back. It seems as if I had not done much, but looking back this one month had been 'fruitful'. Been able to pack my room, seen bro worked at F1 event, went for Hari Raya celebration, meet up with friends, been to a pal's ROM, grown in faith, and of course, sent in 50 over resumes in one month. Haha.
This one month I had also experienced a fluctuation of emotions. Roller coaster rides dont seem as daunting anymore. Tears flowed, heart raced, head ached, face smiled, stress mounting, hair dropping, well you get the idea. I felt that I was at the pit, with no where to go, no one to turn to. Well of course I have loads of great friends encouraging and helping me along the way. Friends who treated me to dinner, and even treated me to trips to the loo (haha, weird but true) Thanks, I will not forget.
But this month I felt the most happy about is .....
PS: Congrats Baby!! You finally finished your placement, get ready to don ur grad gown :)
Labels: Thoughts
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Been back for 3 days but I felt like I have been back for 3 months. Time seems to be crawling ever so slowly and although I unpacked my luggage, washed my clothes (even ironing them), finished watching season 4 of How I met your Mother, cooked dinner etc... Its seems like I haven done much. It got me thinking...
[1] I did far lesser in ade but time seems so much faster
[2] I haven stepped out of my house until today for dinner - is that why time in my world seems to tick so slowly?
[3] I haven done the most important thing yet - aka look for a job!!
[4] Once back here, I feel the urge to move move move, rush rush rush along with everyone and everything. Maybe that's why I dont wish to step out of my hse to even face the outside world. In such stage of denial haha.
But things haven been all bright and cheery and encouraging thus far. Its been raining for 2 days since I am back - clothes take so long to dry. And hearing friends doing OT and bringing work home scares me more then ever. Before I was worried about being able to get a job, now in my mind I keep hearing "is this even what you want?"
These past months being away, I am ever more convinced that I hate the corporate working world. Nothing spark my interest and attention more than food, coffee, cafe, recipe, baking etc. When I see recipe books my eyes lit up. Whenever I walked pass a Coffee Bean cafe, a whiff of nostalgia arises of my past employment there - brings a smile to my face. I truly enjoyed making coffee and meals there. The passion I put into my previous job is nothing compared to the passion I have in making coffee and sandwiches. I wished ever since I was a child, to one day open my own cafe (mum even said, if that's want you really want, go for it). But fears of the unknown, fears of failure and the volatility of the local market makes it difficult to thrive in Singapore. everywhere you turn, there are good and affordable food. Every month we have cafes or restaurants with new concepts, they garner heaps of interest driving their business to a climax and then it dies down and is no longer an "in-thing". And all these can happen in the twinkle of an eye. In Singapore, setting up isnt half as difficult as sustaining a business.
But recently, there seems to be 'signs' propelling me towards fulfilling my dream... A friend of ours have taken a step to rent a space to start his snack business, and another friend of ours have a hush plan to start a bakery as well and had indicated interest in leasing part of the shop space with me should I be interested. Well why not?? The thing is... its in Ade. Its far easier there since there arent many snack stalls there. And population/tourism is thriving in ade. Competition isnt as tough over there too. But these are all MAJOR decisions that might involve uprooting from our comfort zone. Its like an opportunity, but the stakes are so high. We have been talking about it, but trying not to make this a big issue yet and frustrate us (as yet).
In 2 weeks... things might get a little clearer. Till then... lets Chillax
Labels: Thoughts
Wednesday, September 09, 2009
Its Time...
Time passes by so quickly that sometimes you can hardly catch your breath to catch up. Especially when you are having a relaxed time with no care in the world (putting a tempo stop to life), time seems to zip past. Its approaching 2 months since I (re)step into Australia again for a break. For 3 yrs, including this year, Australia or to be exact Adelaide had been my refuge for the hectic lifestyle back in Singapore. It had been great, 2007, 2008 and 2009 in Adelaide. Many a times I had felt like I wanted to drop everything I have in Singapore and start a life here where things are way slower, people are (seems) friendlier etc. But this trip, I had experience a different feeling altogether.
Its one week to me coming back to Singapore, and as much as I hate parting with BF yet again, this time I actually feel glad to be back to Singapore. I felt ready. Ready to plunge into the working world in Singapore, ready to embrace what Singapore had to offer, ready to drop the dreamworld I had once so thought of, of Australia.
This trip had opened my eyes that:
(1) somethings/people never change and you are sick and tired. Especially when it makes maintaining a friendship/relationship so tiring and political.
(2) Somethings/people never change, but we failed to see their flaws when our minds are clouded and we choose to block out the ugliness of these things/people.
(3) Globalization is rampant everywhere whether we liked it or not. I used to dislike seeing more Asians then Caucasians here in Australia. [Rem, I had wanted to come here to escape the hectic life back home... hence seeing too many asians here reminds me of home and i get reminded of the super fast paced and hectic life back home]
(4) No matter what happens, life still goes on back home... BUT true relationships and friendships forged back home never change. Parents are still waiting for their children to come back, siblings and friends - even with their irritating request to buy tim tams haha - are always glad to have you back for catch up sessions... home is where people are happy to see you!! I am thankful that my parents have almost never question my decisions and regardless of what I had done/planned to do, they still am glad to see me at the end of the day. Everytime when I call home from Oz, I can hear the joy in their voices :) These! Are what "friends" in Oz can never give me.
Sure there are friends here who are glad to see you back, but you are never significant in their lives. It had been 3 good LONG and EXPENSIVE trips down south, but I reckon its time tt I give Oz a rest from my future travel trips (unless of cuz Mum still wants her Farmstay in Perth, or BF have an important event in Oz).
Despite all that had been said, it wasnt that OZ isnt a nice place. I had a great trip this time, thanks to BF (only). Because he had made plans for us, accompany me to whether I want to go, bought me gifts (sounds shallow, but you dont know him), arrange with friends to ensure that we go to places I wanna go... And all these, is because our presence is significant to each other. Sure! Some friends did make efforts to make my stay here enjoyable and I am thankful for that.
I am really glad to say, I am ready to go home now because there isnt a place I really wanna visit here anymore, there isnt any food I really wanna eat here anymore, there isnt any one I had wanna see (but haven seen) here anymore. Plus, I managed to visit a hell lot of many new places I haven been before... So this trip is really like the finale... for a long time (I think).
Labels: Thoughts
Sunday, July 05, 2009
Mad rushWith so much gg on these few days, I feel like i haven had time to really breathe.
A colleague asked if I am happy that I am leaving this friday. My answer was...:
"I am not feeling happy that I am leaving, I am feeling Pissed that I still have to come in everyday to serve that one month notice"
I guess this will be a place where I will not feel sad leaving. Normally I get very attached to my surrounding and all. Oh wellz. Rest and move on.
Labels: Thoughts
Wednesday, April 08, 2009
Definition
Many times, I had wondered and gotten upset over trying to explain to guys what is considered ‘flirting’ and how upset it can make the girl. Umpteen times this issue has been discussed and I realized a guy’s definition of what is considered flirting varies from a girl’s and more often than not, a girl’s tolerance for flirting is much lower when the guy she fancies flirts with others. (okie maybe this applies to guys too) But there have been too many times that I told my bf that I am not happy because of the way he talks to other girls. And even when I said bluntly “Don’t flirt with others” his retort was “No that’s not considered flirting to me”.
Hence what is not considered flirting to a guy equal he does not see it as a situation where the girl should be upset. BUT! I am come to realized that the ONE way to indicate this message across is not to coincide our definitions of ‘flirting’ but rather to say “I feel very uncomfortable with you speaking in that way to other girls. And if you love me back and cared about me enough to make me feel better. Will you NOT talk to other girls in that way in future”?
I reckon the solution here is clearer this way, where both parties don’t even need to go through the initial stage of explaining what is flirting to each other BEFORE they can move on to discuss their feelings. I believed that if my guy loved me enough, knows me enough, he will know where my tolerance level lies and will Not do/say anything that shall hurt me.
Many times, I had wondered and gotten upset over trying to explain to guys what is considered ‘flirting’ and how upset it can make the girl. Umpteen times this issue has been discussed and I realized a guy’s definition of what is considered flirting varies from a girl’s and more often than not, a girl’s tolerance for flirting is much lower when the guy she fancies flirts with others. (okie maybe this applies to guys too) But there have been too many times that I told my bf that I am not happy because of the way he talks to other girls. And even when I said bluntly “Don’t flirt with others” his retort was “No that’s not considered flirting to me”.
Hence what is not considered flirting to a guy equal he does not see it as a situation where the girl should be upset. BUT! I am come to realized that the ONE way to indicate this message across is not to coincide our definitions of ‘flirting’ but rather to say “I feel very uncomfortable with you speaking in that way to other girls. And if you love me back and cared about me enough to make me feel better. Will you NOT talk to other girls in that way in future”?
I reckon the solution here is clearer this way, where both parties don’t even need to go through the initial stage of explaining what is flirting to each other BEFORE they can move on to discuss their feelings. I believed that if my guy loved me enough, knows me enough, he will know where my tolerance level lies and will Not do/say anything that shall hurt me.
Labels: Thoughts
Saturday, April 04, 2009
A list of upsetting events this past weekA simple request of leave led from one issue to another and another and alas a whole load of ‘hidden’ thoughts had been revealed. The entire department was made to go through uncomfortable moments and made to feel used, “redundant and obsolete”. (Quote: “Do not quote me”)
It was hurtful, unprofessional and at times laughable to a certain extend that a certain member of the mgt team can say such things. Somehow, I din feel as affected as before. I know I do feel disturbed somehow, but wasn’t to the point of really being upset. Maybe because I know what I had wanted to do even before I knew about such disgusting news.
But it really does affect my work performance because I already cant inject the level of enthusiasm into my work anymore.
Labels: Thoughts
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
One Word: Jaded
Sometimes I wonder if it was all that great being humans, with rich emotions. After all with love comes hate.
Its equally tiring to love and to hate, and so much easier to be loved.
But then again, being loved by someone till the point of suffocation, or being loved by someone whom you merely care more about, isnt it as equally unsatisfying?
After all we are human being, and as much as we liked to recieve love we will want to give love.
If only everything can be simple, pure, straight-forward with no hidden agenda.
Isnt it lovely?
Labels: Thoughts
Sunday, March 01, 2009
Goodbye.Baby...We.Shall.Meet.Again.Real.Soon (You.Promised)
How time flies... it wasnt too long ago when he was packing his luggage and taking his first ever plane ride to Adelaide to further his studies. Then I had sobbed and cried and life was so miserable for me. After 5 years tgt (at that time), his news dropped like a bomb and at once my life seems like its shattering into a zillion bits.
Then by some miracle we get to meet and spend 6 mths tgt in Adelaide when I went over for my exchange programme. It was one of my best time... since then he had been flying thru and fro, thru and fro over the past Yr. No one can imagine how hard it was to be apart... (unless you had tried long dist before). But by some great ways... I have had friends who can feel my pain, understand my sorrows and helped me along the way.
Now... then he had just left me again for Adelaide. I dun really cry at the departure gates anymore, but it doesnt mean that the pain of long dist doesnt exist.
Is the pain and the wait worth it? We shall see.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
NO Mood to work....Just got back from Hong Kong last week. It was an okie trip cuz a few times we keep going ard in circles and I din finish Disneyland. I was pretty upset. No golden mickey show, no castle exploring, no small world, no pooh rides no this no that. I am sad. But dear promise to bring me there again shld we go HK again. :D
So many things to plan and prepare for xmas celebrations and stuff... so meanwhile... have fun!!
Labels: Thoughts
Saturday, October 11, 2008
4B Gals outing + 1 baby (^_^)
Met up with Ying + Mckayla, Kayan, Anne and Huiying for dinner today at suntec. Basically we just eat and chat and have fun with baby :)
We had a mini celebration for Anne's bday too!!! Happy Birthday Anne!!!!!**************************************
Today ying told KY and me how delivering a baby was like. I was listening and feeling the pain haha.... I am very paranoid about child birth altho I think its the most beautiful thing ever to happen. But not as if I an gonna be going thru that path soon. Its very scary to listen and I dont know if i can go thru it. But I am so amazed by ying and her maternal instinct and stuff.
Its Amazing!!
Labels: Clicky Snaps, Friends, Thoughts
Saturday, October 04, 2008
The Good and The Bad of Bus RidesYesterday i almost missed the bus again even though i run to catch it. The last time i missed the bus, it din come for the next 25 mins and I took a cab costing me $28 bucks. But ydy this malay uncle was really nice, he was one of the passengers that got off already and as he saw me running he stop the bus for me. How nice. Then today on my way to gym, this blanglah was with his frd and offered his seat to the aunty that just boarded the bus. Sometimes ppl can be nice but sometimes people who are the same race as you can be so nasty.
Like when I got home from gym... There was this guy standing at the exit of the bus. Then stop already door open and he had no indication that he be moving, so the aunty behind him, carrying a big plastic bag nudge him a little and he shouted in Hokkien "WAIT LAH" and the aunty had to "Sorry Sorry". Well the aunty wants to get down and if you dun indicate that u getting down too by some actions how aunty know. And he dare stare at her and complain to his wife who OMG sayang-ed his head as tho he did the right thing. Damn these people.
Labels: Thoughts
Sunday, August 10, 2008
2 people in this vast universe, meet in at the same place at the same time... got together at the right place and at the right time. It should be all rosy and sweet, for there should be only that one special one for the special you. Its a miracle, its a joy to be celebrated for a lifetime....Yet...
Why do people often let the small little mundane things in life hinder the road to a smooth going wonderful life tgt that the 2 people had dream and worked towards to create? Yes life isnt always up. But without downs, there would be chances for going up, would it? Quarrels are inevitable. Differences are apparent.... but all shld be resolved within a short time frame. Love cannot conquer all, but it can bring 2 people who are in love closer to each other, and to understand each other better.
When you get married, you have a whole lifetime together. Would you want a quarrelsome togetherness? Why cant people sit down, think and reflect what you have said in a fit of anger. When you look inside the you that had become that ugly person... you will feel so disgusted with yourself.
When your special someone were to leave you one day... would you regret what you had done so far??
Labels: Thoughts
Sunday, July 27, 2008
I wants to relive these following months of last year...
It had been my best months ever...
Till this day I rem the first day I arrived
I missed those time... even more so than my childhood days memories.
Monday, June 23, 2008
The most dangerous food…People say puffer fish is the most dangerous food, but since I aint got that money to eat such delicacy, that’s way out of my league.
And while I was doing the runs this morning, it came in my mind that COCONUT is the most dangerous food. Cuz it looks innocent, white and pure and oh so creamy… but when it goes a little off (cannot detect with a whiff) it gives you a present in the form of a roll of toilet paper.
And its dangerous cuz it can be in some food like pandan cake, kaya, honeydew sago and the all fav of curries. Esp curries since the spices can be so strong that it masked the spoiled coconut cream that is well mixed in. and then cannot leave it out for too long in room temp cuz will go off, must boil to keep overnight etc etc. So ma fan…. As long as the dish have a bit of coconut in it, it spells danger if not handled with care. And the best thing is that it is cheap – dirt cheap. That’s why it wins pufferfish hands down. Haha.
*this are my views*
Labels: Thoughts
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Got this from an email that my aunt send us...1. At least 2 people in this world love you so much they would die for you.
2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.
3 A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.
4. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.
5. You mean the world to someone.
6. If not for you, someone may not be living.
7. You are special and unique.
8. When you think you have no chance of getting what you want, you probably won't get it, but if you trust God to do what's best, and wait on His time, sooner or later, you will get it or something better.
9. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good can still come from it.
10. When you think the world has turned its back on you, take a look; you most likely turned your back on the world.
11. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.
12. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.
13 . Always tell someone how you feel about them; you will feel much better when they know and you'll both be happy
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Love is Risk...Watched SATC with aiwei today. Have been waiting for the movie for like ages!! And nope it didnt disappoint at all. Besides the gorgeous fashion, shoes and location shots, each gal experienced a more intense relationship with their partners as well. I am just glad that Big and Carrie are married!! Its about time man. And her walk-in closet is like an up-market boutique man. Pretty pretty pretty.
I remembered the part where Miranda and Steve went for marriage counselling and they both were afriad of the uncertainity of each other's action and their future together after Steve cheated one and Miranda left him for 6 mths. I rem the lady said something like this "We all have uncertainties in a relationship. But its all about risk. You are taking the risk that the Love you had for each other will be strong enough to prevent all those (bad) happenings..."
Which is really true. Life in fact is a risk we are taking. When we on the stove, when we cross the road etc etc In life there are too many uncertainties to handle.
We should learn from the past, plan for the future and live for each day!!
Labels: Thoughts
Monday, April 14, 2008
The Flip Side of Every thing...
had been thinking that 2008 aint been a good year for me... whats with school and relationships and money and job finding issues. Then i was watching the chinese show at 4.30pm today. The guy asked the monk is "Life meant to be a misery"... cuz when he wasnt a scholar yet he feel miserable, then when he became one he also miserable plus among many other things...
The monk replied, when you are not a scholar you had led a carefree life and thats a joy, and when you have become a scholar and an official you get the joy of running the town and serving the people... so where is the misery you are talking about.
Same here applies to me... When i feel that my relationship is in the dumpster, I had felt the deep concern and care from my close friends. When I feel depaired with the job hunting thing, I again have friends to encourage me in many ways and even offered to look through my resume. They have done more than simply asking me to "Go read up on more interview skills and resume writing".
If you look at your life at different angles, You will find a flip side to everything. The good the bad, the Yin and the Yang, the Black and the White, the Left and the right etc....
***************************************************
I bought this pretty white ear phones with interchangeable silicon colored ear plugs. Love them. Love the whiteness + the baby pink and baby Blue... Cheap too at $5.50 with a pretty good hard clear cover. Nice packaging.
Saturday, April 12, 2008
I am uselessI only know how to spend money but cannot earn it...
I send like a million resumes but only 2 replied - 1 sucky the other I like the job scope but not the company...
Jy say i shldn't anyhow send resume... but despo liao. Got wad send wad lor. In the first place i dunno wad i wan. I only knw wad i dun wan. Thats why i cannot pursue wad I want.
I am very happy for JY today when she got the job. But I became very very dejected and depressed. Cuz like why no proper company wants me? Jy nailed it on the first interview. I really think I am a lousy student, a lousy person tts why no one wants to hire me...
I shld just got and die really. I am just wasting resources here.
Labels: Frustration, Sadness, Thoughts
